But God

 

  I want you to think of your worst day. The worst event you can think of. Not an event that happened to you.. but an event in your immaturity, your selfish nature, your desperate ego .. that event. The one you would like to go back and redo, undo. The one that holds you in shackles. The one you’ve tried so hard to put behind you. But man, he won’t let you forget, won’t let you grow, won’t let you make amends from a forgiving, truly repentant place within the depths of your heart. That’s man.

    Think of this event again. Your repentance, your growth, the new person formed by this heartbreak. But God, he forgives, he delights in your wisdom and growth. He removes the guilt and shame and encourages you to walk in faith, hope and love. That’s God.

    
    Perhaps we cannot imagine forgiving others because we have not been shown the mercy of God. We cannot imagine a love so deep, a God that so loved us, so loved the world he gave up his only Son so that we might have life and have it abundantly. In our human constraints we struggle with the magnanimity of such a God. He is that forgiveness we seek, and it is worth the struggle, worth a lifetime of study to attain even a portion of this wisdom. In this wisdom man can become more like God, created in his image, and that forgiveness can be here and now “on earth as it is in heaven.”

“Man makes note of every discrepancy, God doesn’t even write them down.” Unknown

New Wineskins

 

    So this morning I think I finally got the message that God was trying to reveal to me in the story of the wineskins. This has always been a challenging reading for me to understand, but the beauty of prayer is that in the faithful reading and reflection of scripture this revelation can eventually happen. It is a day to day, lifelong pursuit.

    I began with today’s readings in the Christian prayer book. The first antiphon was “Create a clean heart in me, O God; renew in me a steadfast spirit. Ephesians 4:23-24 was quoted, “Your inmost being must be renewed, and you must put on the new man”.  Psalm 51 followed. “Have mercy on me, God in your kindness. In your compassion, blot out my offense. O wash me more and more from my guilt and cleanse me from my sin”.

    The canticle was from Tobit 4:14 “Happy are those who love you, and happy are those who rejoice in your prosperity. The last antiphon was “Through the tender compassion of our God the dawn from on high shall break upon us.” And the closing prayer started with Lord, fill our hearts with your love as morning fills the sky” What a beautiful image that is. To let the Lord love us in this way, filling us with complete morning light.

    I then switched over to the readings in the Magnificat. The opening hymns first verse was “With broken heart and contrite sigh, A trembling sinner, Lord, I cry: Thy pardoning grace is rich and free: O God, be merciful to me”. There is a quote from the prodigal son, the story of each one of us who turned away from the Father and chose foolish worldly ways, and this reflection. “Let us never hesitate to return and confess our sins, for we will always find the prodigal’s welcome from a Father who loves us more than we can ever imagine.”

    All these readings when combined together and reflected upon revealed to me as in psalm 32:1  Happy is the man whose offenses are behind him and his hope is in the Lord. Our sins are as far from the east to the west. God doesn’t want us to come to him dragging the entirety of our sin behind us. That is, after all, what confessions is for. To relieve us of these burdens so we can walk in newness of heart, with the newness of Christ.

    
    Carrying our past sins with us continually is like trying to pour new wine into old wineskins. They burst. Just like we would burst trying to carry the weight of our sins around with us all the time. We need to put new wine into new wineskins. Allowing God to renew us mind body and spirit in his love and grace. Piecing those broken parts of our life back together in a new way. Allowing us to see ourselves as God sees us, forgiven, beloved children.

Lift High the Cross

    

    Today is the Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross. Reflecting on the mass and the readings I had a light bulb moment. The first reading from the Book of Numbers tells the story of the grumblings of the people of Israel. They complained to Moses “Why have you brought us up from Egypt to die in this desert?” 

    Continuing to grumble about the wretchedness of the food and lack of water the Lord sent serpents among the people. In researching saraph serpents I found this explanation: “Saraph simply means “fiery,” a modifier used to indicate the severity of the snake’s venomous bite.” So the Lord didn’t just send snakes, he sent deadly snakes and many whom were bitten died. The people came back to Moses understanding this as punishment for their complaining and said, “Pray the Lord to take the serpents from us.” 

     Then in the gospel reading from John, Jesus was speaking with Nicodemus who came to Jesus at night, under the cover of darkness so as not to be discovered and asked Jesus about his teachings knowing He was a teacher that came from God. Jesus shared his teachings and told Nicodemus “No one has gone up to heaven except the one who has come down from heaven, the Son of Man. And just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the desert, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” 

     And that’s when it clicked. When the Jews asked Moses to pray for the Lord to take away the snakes, he did not. Instead He instructed Moses to lift up the snake, to gaze upon what they feared most and when they looked at the serpent even if they were bitten they would not die, he delivered them from their suffering. Thinking about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane he also prayed that God take away his suffering, but God did not. Instead what he did, like in Numbers, he gave Jesus the strength to endure the suffering so that by going to what he feared most, the cross, he could be saved through the love, mercy, and grace of the Father. Winning victory over shame, victory over the sins He took on for our sake so that we would not perish and we would have eternal life through the Son, the only one He sent to save us. 

      God doesn’t take away our suffering like some magician. He gives us the strength, the endurance, the faith, hope and love to overcome. On this we can rely, believing and trusting in Jesus’s words “In this world you will have troubles, but take courage! I have overcome the world.”

Flower of Life

     I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a retreat for the Let Me Be ministry team at the new Trilogy Retreat Center a few weeks ago. During one of the reflection times we were encouraged to walk the ground and "connect" with the property. The first things that struck me was that there were so many reminders of my youth. There was a pool, similar to one we had in the backyard growing up. The property was cut into an undeveloped area and there were wild blackberry bushes along the edges of the backyard into the woods and beyond. There was a hammock much like the one my dad always had out on the deck of the pool. The grounds reminded me of summers spent at Camp Isaac Jogues sleepover camp in Madison Ohio. The huge pines, the unrefined woods, the sounds of crickets, frogs and cicadas The pond where we used to go canoeing. 

    Then I came upon this flower, pictured above. The other side of the pond called to me. I wonder if I can walk all the way around it I thought as I started down the path. Much to my delight, I could. I saw so many interesting and beautiful natural happenings all around me. A butterfly, making its way from bush to bush led me to this flower. I've seen this flower, or one similar many times before, but never up close and personal as this day. I was fascinated by the way God created this flower. It starts out modest, a few blooms and then through no effort of its own it explodes upward according to God's plan and design. I noticed however the further upward it grows, the blossoms at the bottom begin to die off, yet it still keeps blooming upward, with no regard for the loss, almost despite the loss.

    This is so telling to me, while I started out similarly, a few modest blooms here and there, into my adult life things became a bit disordered, but I kept blooming. As I started to figure things out the initial blossoms started dying off, pushing ever upward the growth and blooms. These original blossoms almost had to die in order for new growth to emerge. These initial blooms, lost blooms, are forgotten and forgiven by God. He just keeps encouraging new growth and doesn't stop or delay it. He allows both to happen at the same time within the same flower. Holding space for both life, death and rebirth. The Paschal mystery of life, death and resurrection. Toward the middle of the flower the blossoms explode with size and growth, it seems to have hit its stride this flower, increasing 30, 60,100 fold. 

    I feel like this is where I am now, expansive growth and purposeful dying away, removing what no longer serves me or God, growing to make way for new, purposeful life, exponential blossoming, immeasurable growth.

    Although none of the plants are there yet and hopefully I am not either, the blossoms get smaller, ever so slightly to the very tip of the flower till the blooms come to an end, but never ceasing to blossom till the very last moments on earth. It reminds me of a sparkler in reverse. While a sparkler has an explosive beginning and a constant spark of brilliance as it moves down the rod it fizzles out abruptly and quickly at the end. This flower is the exact opposite of that, continuous growing, careful winnowing planned, death to the old. Constant growth and blooming upward until the last petal falls.

    All to return to itself to do it all over again next summer.

Those Beautiful Signs From God

    Tonight my husband and I went to adoration, mass and benediction at St. Rocco's church. My sister always told me that when we go to a new church we can make a wish. I'm sure it is not catholic doctrine, but I always do. I wished for a real encounter with my Jesus. 

    The adoration was in a beautiful small chapel on the grounds. When we entered I was taken in by the beauty of this small chapel. I noticed there was an area to light a candle, so I went over and lit one. I decided to light it for my mom, whose birthday is coming up in May. I talked to her for a while, asked her if I ever thanked her while she was here for all the things she did for me, and for all the things I didn't want to thank her for I had mercy and forgiveness in my heart for her. Understanding as a mother, it isn't easy, we bring our own pain and wounds to our own journey of motherhood. I prayed my children would be merciful with me as well. Before I left I prayed for a small sign, just a little something to show me God heard my prayer. 

    At the end of adoration we moved into the church and I let my husband chose our seats. Right there where I sat in front of me was the name of a former parishioner engraved on a plate in memory. Her first name was Carmella. The same as my grandmothers, my mothers mother. Thank you Jesus, thank you mom.

Unexpected Grace

Friday mornings at 5 am is my designated time for adoration in the chapel at my parish. My husband is there from 4 to 5am so I relieve him. This morning I saw a book there called I Thirst: 40 Days with Mother Teresa by Joseph Langford and Mother Teresa. I was drawn to pick it up and read a bit but it really captured my attention so I read the first week and decided to then just sit and ponder and “let God love me” as my spiritual director always suggests. This quiet, stilling the mind and spirit is so very challenging for me but I put the effort in. I long for these intensive moments of true connection with Jesus, unfortunately so very few and far between. It is something that really cannot be forced, only swelled up in the spirit. As 6 approached I got my things together and sprayed down the kneeler, chair, and table where I was sitting. 6 came and went, 6:10, 6:15. I finally called the supervisor and told her that no one had come to relieve me. She said Oh no I’m so sorry! I did get a sub and just talked to her yesterday, I hope everything is ok. I am recovering from knee surgery at home. No worries I told her I’ll just stay till 7. I got out my phone and prayed the scriptural rosary and returned to I thirst. There was a very interesting reflection about deepening prayer, not being lukewarm. I long for these deep spiritual connections and was reading voraciously when the doorbell rang at ten till. I went to the door and there to my surprise was not the woman from the list, but a special needs young man from the parish. “Hi, my mom’s in Las Vegas and my dad is taking her place.” Right behind him was his dad and I welcomed them both in. The young man went on to introduce himself and his dad. He told me his first name and his dad’s name, but I call him dad he said. I said well I think I’ll call him by his first name then if that’s ok. He then asked me if I was going to stay and pray with them and I explained I had been there for a double shift already. Disappointed he said how about just a quick Hail Mary, Our Father and Glory be? How could I refuse? We kneeled in front of the monstrance and this young man perfectly recited the hymns with his dad and I joining in. It was the very best part of my 2 hours, in 5 minutes. Thinking back to the book the author explains it’s not always about the quantity of prayers but the quality. I was witness in this brief prayer session of the glorious, unfettered, uncomplicated, pure adoration and worship of our Lord by this young man. What an unexpected grace from an unexpected place!

Call to Holiness

 

From my Catholic Book of Prayers

Today, the feast of St. Patrick’s Day was a special treat. Not for the beer and cabbage. For the homily at mass.

As a young college student Father was in Ireland on vacation and visited a pub while there.  As a spiritual fast and discernment of a life decision decided he was not going to drink, which was pretty unusual for a college student. His spiritual director was there and he didn’t have a drink either and father took notice of this and asked him about it. He shared with him that when he was 16 years old he made an oath and I’ve never had a drink since. He went on to tell him that he was Irish, and he prays offering this up as a Pioneer for those that have difficulty with drinking so that our graces are with those that struggle with addictions. I mean after all the Irish are known for their hardy drinking. So father decided on that day himself to also become a Pioneer and since that day has not had a drink either. Every morning and every evening in his prayers he asks for mercy for those that struggle with addictions. He equates this offering with love, a love that is selfless. He gains no benefit to do these sacrifices but is convinced it benefits others, those he is called to shepherd. I was blown away by this act of charity.

The night before mass I was researching information on our latest upcoming podcast on holiness and I read Lumen Gentium chapter V on the universal call to holiness. I skimmed over the part about priests and focused on the laity, since that is more our audience. But I did glean a few things about offering up sacrifices for their flock and such.

After mass I stopped by the vestibule and thanked him for his commitment to holiness and we had a brief chat. I decided to look back up what the chapter said about priests and the call to holiness.

Here is what it says, (and I paraphrase)

Priests, who resemble bishops by way of their sacrament of Orders, form the spiritual crown of the bishops. Exercising their office through Christ, participating in the grace of their office, they should grow daily in their love of God and their neighbor by this mediator. They should be plentiful in every spiritual good and present to all men a living witness to God preserving the bond of priestly communion. Doing all this in imitation of the priests who often, down through the course of the centuries, left an outstanding example of the holiness of humble and hidden service. In this office of praying and offering sacrifice for their own people and the entire people of God, they are called to rise to greater holiness. In their apostolic labors, rather than being ensnared by perils and hardships, should use these struggles to rise to greater holiness. Their actions ever strengthened from an abundance of contemplation, doing all this for the solace of the entire Church of God. All priests should keep continually before their minds the fact that their faithful loyalty toward and their generous communion with their bishop is of the greatest value in their growth in holiness.

As I reflect on this call to holiness for priests I see wonderful witnesses in my community of these faithful priests and now more than ever I pray for them daily. In my catholic handbook I have written the names of some of my personal priest friends and pray for their vocation, that it be pleasing to the Lord.

Then being the research dork that I am I looked up this Pioneer group. From their website it states:

The Pioneer Total Abstinence Association of the Sacred Heart (PTAA) is an Irish organization that seeks to promote and support healthier lifestyle choices so one can lead a joy-filled life without the involvement of drugs or alcohol.

The Association was founded by Fr. James Cullen S.J. in 1898 in response to widespread alcoholism among Irish Catholics.

In the 20th Century, the term Pioneer became synonymous with teetotallism among Irish Catholics, and the PTAA influenced public policy. By 1948, the PTAA claimed 360,000 members.

Fr. Cullen was always concerned with social issues, and his motivation in setting up the Pioneers was to address the enormous damage that he saw excess alcohol was doing in the Ireland of his times. Many workers were heavy drinkers, and alcohol was the greatest drain on the weekly earnings of the family.

Pioneers gain strength and support through prayer and meditation, demonstrating unconditional love and friendship, and leading by good example, and it is those characteristics that distinguish it from other secular temperance organizations.

             Members take a pledge of abstinence for a period of time (Lent is common), or for a lifetime.  While total abstinence is the personal choice of the Pioneers for themselves, their overall message is temperance, moderation, and self-control in all things. https://www.pioneerassociation.ie/

             The fact that this was fathers independent choice, one that he kept to this day some 30 years later is so impressive. We chuckled in our brief conversation that the call to holiness is a lifetime pursuit and he said I’m sure trying. It really inspired me to try harder too. I’ll leave you with a quote I also discovered in my research.

“The only real sadness, the only real failure, the only great tragedy on life,                                       is not becoming a saint.”

Léon Bloy French novelist

Prayer for Priests

Almighty Father,

Grant to these servants of Yours the dignity of priesthood.

Renew within them the Spirit of Holiness.

As co-workers with the order of bishops may they be faithful to the order of bishops, may they be faithful to the ministry they receive from You, Lord God, and be to others a model of right conduct.

May they be faithful in spreading the good news, so that the words of the Gospel may reach the ends of the earth, and the family of nations, made one in Christ, may become God's one, holy people.

Amen

Merciful Father

    Todays gospel of the tax collector and the Pharisee gave me an insight to the richness and depth of our Catholic mass. For someone that doesn't understand the mass came directly out of scripture this revelation may be helpful.  At the beginning of mass we say the confetior.

I confess to almighty God

and to you, my brothers and sisters,

that I have greatly sinned,

in my thoughts and in my words,

in what I have done and in what I have failed to do,

through my fault, through my fault,

through my most grievous fault;

therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,

all the Angels and Saints,

and you, my brothers and sisters,

to pray for me to the Lord our God.

    At the lines through my fault through my fault through my most grievous fault we beat our breast three times.

    Now look at today's reading.  When the tax collector went up to the temple area to pray he could not even lift his eyes to heaven. "But beat his breast and prayed 'O God, be merciful to me a sinner'". The Pharisee on the other hand exulted himself before heaven pontificating his virtues and comparing himself holier than others by his commitment to the laws.  But God wants more than just this following of the law. He desires our hearts..our contrite hearts.  Scripture tells us the tax collector went home justified,  not the Pharisee. "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and the one who humbles himself will be exalted."

    How beautiful is our mass? That walks us through the very path the great saints traveled before us giving us their beautiful witness to holiness.

Healed to Serve

 

Last Wednesday the gospel was about Jesus healing Simon’s mother-in-law who was sick with a fever.  The story goes “He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up. Then the fever left her and she waited on them.”

I have to be completely honest here, this passage always got stuck in my craw. He healed her so she could wait on them. Here get better, it’s time to make us dinner, we’re hungry sort of thing. I regarded it as a bit misogynistic in feel. Or sexist to use more current terminology. Get better, get up and wait on us.

But then I was scrolling through a social media feed and I happened to catch a homily on this passage from Father Arnell during the mass from St John the Evangelist cathedral in downtown Cleveland. His homily blew my mind, it was quite brilliant and opened Pandora's box seriously. I looked at this passage in a way I had never considered before. I looked at healing in a whole new light, with a whole new purpose.

He shared the message the day before about Jesus exercising an unclean spirit from a man, sharing the message that if we want God to reside in us be enthroned inside our body, because our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, or the temple of God then this temple must first be cleansed. Whatever is residing in our body that is unclean must be driven out, and we can do that now through the sacrament of reconciliation.

What should reside in our hearts is not love of money, or hatred, or jealousy, but the love of God. Not these things that are not pure, not of God.

So the first action of Jesus is often to drive away evil, unclean spirits so that God can fully reside in us.

So in the story of Jesus healing Simons mother-in-law he asks us to notice what she offered in return as a response for her gratefulness. This gratefulness for being healed, cleansed. She began to serve. Here’s the big aha moment.

From healing to service. Healing to service.

It’s not just about us and God. Our desire to be holy should not be self-serving. Once we are healed inwardly our mission should then be turned outward, to love and serve others in  heartfelt gratitude. Wanting to share that gift with the world, how could we keep it to ourselves?

But let’s go back to this healing. For a moment.  How can we serve in the true manner God calls us to serve if we are unclean, or have unclean hearts, parts of our hearts that are hardened. This is the work, the daily work of our hearts. To be constantly searching our hearts, giving over to Jesus to heal those rough patches, those parts we want to hold onto maybe for prides sake. Maybe we feel justified to hold onto anger, or resentment or envy, jealousy. But the point of healing is just that, a cleansing of all that is not holy, not serving God.

Now I didn’t say it was easy, but it is necessary.. which is why Jesus left us the Holy Spirit. He know us, he knows our humanness and he knows our  brokenness and inclination toward sin.  We need to call on the gifts of the Holy Spirit in order to have any chance at holiness.

 

 

Hope

 From very very early on this thing called love becomes a curiosity, perhaps even a pursuit. We grapple with this concept from a very early age and often times that struggle continues for our entire lives.  To see this image of my grandson reading a book about love gives me both hope and trepidation.  Joy and sorrow.  Understanding his journey to knowing love may not be a smooth one. But what is the point of our role in this life but to try and make that passage kind, safe and welcoming? To take the lessons of our own and share this wisdom to the next heirs of the kingdom. I have heard said our purpose in this life is to love, be loved and remove all barriers to its manifesting in our hearts. How I wish I could swoop in and make straight the way for this wee one. To take all the pain and hurt away before it has a chance to harden any of the edges of this beautiful innocent heart. But love is best learned in the hallows of ones own. The breaking and mending,  the bursting and craving. The exercise of the very muscle that makes it stronger with time. My hope is to root in his very being the magnanimous love that God holds for him. The unconditional space our creator holds for each one of us. How I wish I knew that love at his age. So I will share this love with him, as I share with so many. This promise of God who has loved from the beginning of time to hold a place for us in His kingdom. Brothers and sisters, sons and daughters adopted into His family.  A pure sacred love without end.

The Love of the Father

 

The outdoor grotto at St. Cosmas and Damian
Twinsburg, Ohio

At adoration, this morning I was kneeling in front of the blessed sacrament hands together in prayer and I visualized Jesus looking down at me like a child, the child I once was. The loving glance of a father looking on his child. This beautiful visual reminded me that I am a child of God, forever His child.

Just as a parent will always look upon their son or daughter as a child, that child they once were no matter how old they get. God looks upon us that way. As His precious children.

I prayed to always be able to feel that love and to remind myself we are all children of God. If we want to be models of his love we need to remind ourselves everyone we meet is that child of God, that precious one he looks on with love, forgiveness, mercy, and hope.

I prayed for all those that did not know that love from earthly parents, probably because they did not know that love as a child either. I prayed for the mercy on all generations that did not always love as they should, with the love of our heavenly father. I prayed for God to break into their hearts and reveal that love, that unconditional love he has for each one of us. I prayed for all parents, that they would have the courage and strength to heal their own wounds of childhood, so they would be set free to love like Jesus. For this is the only way to love, as he modeled for us here while he dwelt among us. The word made flesh, the love incarnate, all-consuming ever enduring perfect love of the Father.